by Ruth M. Green
RUF Lehigh Summer Conference 2004
- Nature of Conversation
- Definition: the art of exchanging thoughts (ideas and observations) with another person. Biblically, words are an instrument of power.
- Verbal ping-pong. Not competitive, give and take, every force equal & opposite reaction
- Includes both a message and a meta-message
- Message – denotation of the words
- Meta-message – connotation of the words and non-verbal signals. Information about the relations among the people involved, and their attitude toward what they are saying or doing and the people they are saying or doing it to
- Tone of voice. Pitch. Syntax. “Wow, you look beautiful”
- Body language; amount of eye contact
- Conversational style (pacing).
- Should have genuine interest on both sides, opportunity for both to express themselves, some dashes of tact and perception.
- Purpose of Conversation
- Social: transferring information or establishing a personal connection
- Biblical: love one another
- Jesus loved His disciples by telling them what He heard from His Father (John 15:15)
- Conversation is one tool for imitating Jesus’ love and obeying His command to love each other.
- Elements of Conversation
- Topic
- People
- Occasion – develop a sense of appropriateness
- Style – high involvement or high respect styles. Ending by repetition.
- We incorrectly make moral judgments based on differences of style.
- It is likely that the words of people from different parts of the country, or ethnic backgrounds, or class background will not be understood in the way they were meant.
- Contrast high involvement New York Jew with high respect Midwestern farmer.
- Problems in Conversation
- Personalities
- Introverts talk too little. The partner feels/thinks burdened that conversation falls on them.
- Extroverts talk too much. Partner feels/thinks they are an audience, not a participant.
- Intuitives only discuss ideas.
- Sensors only discuss things.
- Thinkers can’t grasp the meta-message. “I want this on my desk by 3 P.M!” (This is important)
- Feelers can’t grasp the message because of focusing on the meta-message. (My boss is a high stress person, angry at me.)
- NTs will only talk to one person. (David at a party)
- SJs won’t talk to anyone deeply. (I jump around, look for variety, call NT style “beating a subject onto the ground”)
- SPs talk impulsively, often oblivious to other person’s role in conversation
- NFs talk to imagined deep issues. Too concerned with impression they are making.
- Gender Differences. This will be explored at length in the next session. One freebie: Many women use language to create community; many men use language to manage content
- Initiating
- Overcoming shyness. Being an introvert does not give you ticket out of conversation initiation. But don’t accept roles where initiation is a requirement (i.e., nursery coordinator)
- Avoiding interrogation.
- Avoiding intrusive subjects. “Intrusive” hard to define because can vary with cultures
- Responding
- Overcoming shyness
- Ignorance of the topic
- Not providing further conversational material. Always give something to play off.
- Not allowing the other person back in.
- Not listening
- Conversation is not all about being a good listener, but listening well is crucial
- Particular danger of men who use woman as an audience
- The really hard subjects
- The major blunder (eg., Naomi needs a new goalie)
- Laugh at yourself
- Commit hari-kari
- Techniques of Conversation
- Rituals. Nothing wrong with them. They establish good intentions and provide safe ground for initial tentativeness
- Preparation
- Topics. Be a reader!
- Questions
- Can you discover what in his life gives him pride, where he feels accomplished and valuable
- Always a good choice: How was your day? and really listening to the answer!
- Stories
- Jokes and puns. Points 3 & 4 acknowledge the entertainment element to conversation, how we make ourselves interesting to one another
- Practice Conversations in Improvisational Role-playing
- Bible study leader and freshman
- Non-responder
- Unexpectedly stuck with your roommate’s parents
- Debrief Conversations. Suggest some openers (“What did you think of the talk last night?”)
- Main Point: Conversation is an obligatory and beneficial tool to our effective work and relationships in the kingdom.
- Extroverts have an advantage (Dean of Admissions at UVA: “Extroverts have an advantage in life.”).
- It is an art that can improve with practice.
- Knowing your weakness in this area gives you the opportunity to work on it.